Why you're spread so thin.

You know that feeling…

You’re working on something but half your mind is focused on the thing that you have to do next. 

And the thing you have to do after that. 

And that other thing that you've been putting off you still have to get to.

And what are you going to do for dinner?

And did you remember to schedule that appointment?

And what about the laundry…

And oh my God when am I going to get to all these emails?!

That feeling. 

When you’re constantly thinking about the next thing. Always feeling like there is too much to do. Not enough time. 

And everything is always a rush that ends with you collapsing onto the couch at the end of the day (Face first into a pint of ice cream if you’re anything like I was!)

If this feels familiar then you might be surprised when I tell you that it doesn't mean you have too much to do, or that you don't have enough time. 

That's just what we tell ourselves because it seems like the only reasonable explanation. 

But here's what's really going on. 

You’re treating yourself like an employee. 

When we step into a job we get given a long list of “TO DO’s” and told we have 8 hours everyday and GO! We train ourselves to focus on doing everything on that list and then some more. We push ourselves way past our own boundaries because we MUST DO ALL THE THINGS and if we don’t there will be trouble. 

Which frankly is a crap way to manage employees and their workload (and means that there’s not enough focus and strategy in the company to start with, but I digress!) but as a business owner it's hugely problematic. 

Because if you’re an employee, there's always another employee. An employee is replaceable. 

When you are the business owner, especially if you're a solo entrepreneur or in a service based business, you are not an employee. 

YOU ARE THE BUSINESS ASSET. 

If you don’t function, the business does not function. 

I feel like I cant say this loud enough or often enough!

I often think about the huge machines that my husband works with and how much energy, money and downtime is involved keeping those machines perfectly cared for and maintained so that the work they produce when they run is the best they are capable of. 

And then I see women treating themselves like machines that run all the time with no breaks, no scheduled maintenance and being pushed from one task to another until their whole system starts to show cracks and breakdown. 

Hello burnout anyone?

If female business owners treated themselves with half as much are and respect as my husband team treats their machinery, can you even begin to imagine what they would be capable of creating?!

So consider exploring where you feel stretched thin and instead of beating yourself up for not coping better, start to ask yourself what's happening here?

Are you treating yourself like an employee, or are you a CEO who has the skills of evaluation, prioritization and a mindset of protecting your businesses most valuable asset?

Women don't make their own money.

While it was never said in exactly that way, this was a message that I received loud and clear as a child.

From the well intentioned grandmother who told me to "marry well" (and the other who outright said "marry rich!" to the many stories I heard about the financial dangers of being a single woman, not to mention various cultural inputs, the message was plain.

The man in your life is the one who provides financial security. Women don't have their "own" money.

For many years that has been a belief system that was pretty central to my relationship with money and with men. I believed myself to be reckless with money because that fit the story of women and money. One of my most destructive relationships, which I hung onto for far more years than I should have, was the result of that belief that I had to be with someone who would take care of me financially.

One of the ways that it showed up most obviously was in the early days of my business.

I was completely unable to make any money from selling my services and when I did get clients, I often found reasons not to charge them. Believe it or not, having a mindset that you cant make money stops you from making money!

But to illustrate how ridiculous this is, my mother has always been the primary breadwinner and has run her own successful business for decades. She's also not the only self employed or financially successful woman I know. I know plenty of them!

CLEARLY there has been proof right before my eyes that woman DO make and have their own money.

So why did I hold onto the belief for so long?

For the same reason we hold onto any belief, because our brain is designed to create a belief structure and then play out everything we do according to that belief.

I believed it for so long that it felt like it was just true EVEN THOUGH I had evidence under my nose that it wasn’t.

Which is why our mindset is a vital piece of being a successful business owner. Because we act according to what we believe.

If I believe that I'm bad at sales, I will act in a way that continues to prove it.

If I believe I don't know what I'm doing, I'll focus on the things I don't know how to do.

If I believe that I'm terrible at time management... you KNOW I'm going to be a hot mess.

Our belief systems have a direct impact on the things that we do so we have to be willing to explore what we believe about ourselves and our business and examine if those beliefs help up, or hold us back.

The culture of urgency.

ou start your day with a plan.

And you get an email asking for something, so you respond to it. Then you get a message asking about your services or products, so you respond to that. Then there's another email.

You have an idea that sounds great so you start working on that. Then you realize you forgot to do something last week so you drop everything and do that.

You go back to your to-do list but you start to feel overwhelmed and find yourself scrolling on Instagram, just for inspiration you know, to see what other people are doing. Or so you tell yourself…

45 min later, you try to refocus but then start thinking about what your plan is for dinner, and are you going to try doing that workout you promised you'd squeeze in?

Suddenly it's the end of the day and you've rushed around feeling busy but got nothing done.

Sound familiar?

In my experience, the number one thing that causes small businesses to flop isn't a lack of talent or ideas or hard work... it's that business owners feel lost and are reactive to the Culture of Urgency.

Everything feels important and urgent so they rush around trying to do everything at once, which often means they end up putting HUGE amounts of time and effort into things that don't create the impact they are hoping for and then give up because they feel like they've failed or they crash and burn.

I challenge you to look at what you have planned for this week and ask yourself;

"If I could only do three things... what three would create the greatest impact in my business?"

Then see if those things fit into the three vital categories of action:

Income producing - things that literally result in money being paid to you.

Business building - things that increase people's awareness of your business.

Back end - things that make delivery of your service or product possible.

And if it doesn't fall into any of those three... consider dropping it.

Radical I know!! And a bit scary! But I can promise you that so much of what we think we have to do, isn't actually as important as we believe it is.

Why is building a business so filled with feeling shame?

Years ago I used to hate when people asked me what I did or how my business was going. I knew that I would stick a smile on my face and say with forced enthusiasm…

"It's so good! Everything is amazing!"

Which wasn't true.

What was true was that I was struggling.

Everything felt hard.

I felt like I had to push and fight to get every client.

Every social media post was an epic endeavor of over-thinking and second-guessing myself.

Every time I told people what I did, I cringed and waited for the judgment and ridicule I thought would come my way.

Every time I tried something that didn't work, the voice got louder...

"You suck at this."

"You're never going to make it work."

"You might as well stick with something safe and get a job."

Not to mention more thoughts about being a fraud and not going what I was doing that I can possibly share in one email!

In building a business we find so many ways to judge and shame ourselves because we believe that success is supposed to happen in a certain way. And if it's NOT then there's something wrong with us. (Rather than our strategy and approach!)

We believe have to "fake it till we make it" so no one sees us struggle.

We believe we have to hide our failures and our struggles.

But here's the truth my darling...

There WILL be challenges. That is the nature of business and the nature of life.

You are going to come up against things that are new or that you don't know how to do yet. That's just how it works.

Some things aren't going to work.

But what determines if you fail or succeed, is how you treat yourself when those things happen and what you do next.

Because if you're too busy telling yourself

"I don't know what to do"

"I should be further along"

"I'm a failure"

Then you're going to find yourself stuck in that spiral of shame and frustration that ultimately leads us to give up or opt-out.

So as you get ready for this new glorious week, remember that no one has the perfect or struggle free experience of building their business.

Struggle doesn’t mean you're failing. It's simply an invitation to look deeper onto what you're doing and how...

While remembering that you're doing something extraordinary in taking control of your success and future. Expect some bumps along the way.

The most common thing I coach on.

Someone asked me recently what I coach on the most.

And that's a tricky question because the tangible things I work on vary so much from person to person.

For some, it's time management.

For some, it's dealing with feeling overwhelmed or conflict in their family.

Sometimes it is weight loss or business building.

But I find that no matter what the "things" that a woman is trying to change are, the piece that's often the focus of our work...

Is their relationship with themselves.

Self-trust and inner power.

We live in a culture that actively teaches us to outsource our power.

And to fear stepping out of line.

It teaches us to always check our decisions with someone else to make sure it's the "right" one.

We learn to believe that someone else always has more knowledge or wisdom than we do.

We learn to second-guess ourselves. To assume we are always wrong.

We are actively taught that we should be small, quiet and always accommodating.

To believe that something is wrong with us.

Which we learn to do VERY well, and it costs us our self-trust.

I remember the first time I started to ask myself why I believed these things about myself and who it actually benefited.

The answer was… NOT me.

What I benefit from is deeply believing that I am the expert on myself and what I want my life to look like.

I benefit from trusting my instincts, knowledge and hard-won wisdom when I make decisions.

I benefit from believing that what I want and need is vital to my well-being and that I deserve to put my essential needs first.

And that I don't need to justify myself and my decisions. I get to want and do what I need to for my own life.

I'm not saying it was easy.

Stepping outside of the "rules" means dealing with thoughts of guilt and selfishness and risking rejection.

But on the other side is a sense of freedom and inner trust that becomes unshakable, no matter what's going on in our lives.

Because I KNOW I will always find a way. I've got my own back.

And that is also why I do this work in the world.

I help my community of women find that same inner trust. That deeply held self-empowerment that we all deserve.

What will people think of you?!

Recently I attended a women’s conference and sat at the table that was front and center.

During one of the key note speeches, the speaker put on a piece of music and encouraged everyone to stand up and dance.

I shot out of my seat and started dancing... as did the rest of my table and then the table beside us followed (Because fun is contagious!)

At some point I looked around the rest of the space with the 20 other tables and realized we were the only ones dancing.

EVERYONE in the room was looking at us.

For a moment, it was so intensely awkward I could hardly stand it.

My brain wanted me to pretend I was tired and sit down.

It was horrified that I was up in front of everyone shaking my ass with a room full of people staring at me. (so dramatic)

It wanted me to hide.

"WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK OF YOU!?!”

“You look like an idiot!"

And then I remembered that I want to be someone who always takes the opportunity to have fun.

I want to be someone who doesn’t miss out on the joyful moments of life because I'm scared of what other people will think.

I want to be someone who can show others that it’s OK to get up and dance, even if no one else is.

and I want to be the kind of person who doesn't back down from what I want when it's uncomfortable.

So I let go of fear.

I danced until we were all out of breath, laughing from the sheer delight of our tables spontaneous dance party.

Life is too short my darlings.

Don't let fear make you miss out on the chance to dance.

How positive thinking killed my clients business.

I once coached a business owner who came to me after 2 years of gaining fantastic momentum because her company, suddenly stopped making money. 

She couldn't understand why after her initial (and impressive) success she was suddenly in a position of having to borrow money to pay her mortgage and buy food. 

Once we uncovered the problem, I was blown away.

“Positive thinking” had ruined her business. 

She had read several books and followed what the experts had told her: 

Only do what feels right. 

Follow your bliss.

You have to feel good before you take action.

Just think positively about everything you do.

Just visualizing will manifest your dreams. 

Her business tanked because she spent her time only doing things that felt easy and comfortable and more time visualizing her success than actually doing things that would achieve it.

Now these concepts are useful and valid!

But they are often taken massively out of context in order to sell them.

To get people's attention with marketing, things generally have to be made as simple as possible. 

And in order to stand out, any expert needs to have that one specific thing that they are known for, so that's generally all they will talk about. They will make it seem like it's the best or only thing, because that makes selling it easier.

Which is why when we look for business advice or experts to follow, it's easy to fall into believing that those out of context tools are the only thing we need. And then when they don’t work, we beat ourselves up and think that there is something wrong with us!

I’ve got good and bad news for you my friend. 

The good news, building a business isn't as hard as our brains want to tell us it is and we can make it less complicated. 

The bad news… There is no magic wand. 

To say that business is all strategy or all mindset is completely missing the point. 

They are the two sides of the same thing. 

If you have a great mindset, but no strategy then you don't take action because you don't know what to do. 

If you have a great strategy but a crappy mindset, you won't actually DO the things you need to do. 

Both are essential to creating a successful business that actually makes money and doesn't drive you insane. 

You only get one shot.

You only have one chance to make a good first impression.

You only have 3 seconds to get peoples attention online.

You're only as good as your last performance.

You only get one shot... make it count.

Have you noticed how much time we spend telling ourselves and each other that opportunities to succeed are limited?

I've been thinking about this a lot over the last few days, especially since I've been in bed with flu for a full week and basically been non functional.

I noticed that I was thinking a lot about how it was wasted time.

How I've lost the chance to do certain things because its now the end of January and I've "missed the boat" (like there’s a damn boat :D)

And then yesterday I was chatting to a fellow coach about something I had wanted to do but hadn’t been able to achieve last year... and she called me out.

"Why are you talking about it as though you only get one chance."

Well, because I've been taught to do that.

So much of what we are told growing up is about the importance of not failing. We're told that we only get a handful of chances and then you've blown it.

Which creates intense pressure! Major perfectionism or outright defeatism, leading to people either burning themselves out trying, or giving up before they've even given themselves the opportunity to try.

AND its not even true! Because there is no limit to the number of opportunities that can be found or created over the course of a lifetime.

What would happen if we gave up on that idea that you only get once chance?

What if, as a culture, we started renegotiating our relationship with failure?

What if you did that just for yourself and started to believe that there are always more opportunities, more chances to try?

What would change in your life?

Money is important... and other dirty thoughts.

I recently had a conversation with a client where she described having a problem that was having a financial impact on her and her family and she blurted out "but the money is important to me!"

And instantly she put her hand over her mouth, absolutely shocked.

She said it out loud. The money is important.

She was consumed by shame.

I've seen this happen over and over.

A woman being honest and saying that money actually matters seems shocking to us. We're told from early on that we aren’t supposed to be focused on that.

As if you're only allowed to be either a carefree crunchy living off the grid, foraging in the forest for food OR a money obsessed bitch who would sell her grandma for a good deal.

But guess what.

Financial security, ownership and control actually matters.

And not just on a small scale.

When I was working in the not for profit sector, I watched communities devastated by poverty and medical crisis in rural Nepal and Bangladesh, be TRANSFORMED.

Not by the intervention of the charities work (Who had been working there for decades incidentally with not much change)

But by a single project that helped women start and build their own businesses.

Those woman thrived. They hired other women. Helped other women start businesses. Got together to pay for projects that would help their communities. Used their economic power to get into positions that allowed them to make decisions for the community.

Shit changed FAST. I was only with that organization for 2 years but I watched as hopeless communities of people were reborn through the impact of women.

Women empowering themselves, not just personally but economically, literally achieved what years of other work had failed to do.

Because

Good things happen when women have more money.

Good things happen when women are in control of making their money.

Good things happen when women know that the money is allowed to be important.

There’s a reason why access to money is something that gets taken from women in abusive systems or relationships. Because in our cultural system, money gives us choices and freedom.

Your money and your ability to make your own money is POWERFUL.

So start to notice when you judge yourself over money. Notice when you feel shame. Notice the stories you repeat to yourself about money and your ability to earn it.

And, THROW THAT GARBAGE OUT!!!

Women’s economic empowerment is incredibly important to me and is why I work with so many small business owners and aspiring entrepreneurs.

If that’s you…I'd love you to join me for a free, in person workshop next week (January 9th)

or if you’re not local to me and are interested in attending a virtual version of the workshop (dates to be announced) please register here.

The things women do to themselves around the holidays

As Christmas fast approaches and everyone is running around trying to get prepared or wrap up work for the year, I've been watching women rob themselves of their own power and self-trust.

I see it year-round, but the holidays really ramp it up, because it's so easy to do the three things that can undermine your relationship with yourself.

Comparing yourself with others.

Judging yourself.

People pleasing.

When we do this it sends a clear message to ourselves.

"There's something wrong with me"

"I'm not good enough."

Both are deeply rooted fears that tend to surface whenever there's any sense of pressure or a feeling like we have to "get it right".

Which often happens around holiday parties, buying just the right gift, and seeing extended family where relationships might be strained.

And especially around creating "perfect holiday memories" for our children and families.

So to help you get through the next week, I want to offer you a simple tool.

Be your own greatest friend and support.

When you notice you're being self-critical, take a moment and imagine what you would tell your closest friend if she confessed that she was thinking and feeling the way you do.

Then tell yourself that!

When you catch yourself feeling overwhelmed or frantic, ask yourself in the same way you would your best friend "What do you need right now? What can I do that would help."

When you start to treat yourself like a loving friend, you build self-trust and self-love, and THAT goes a long way toward helping us stay grounded when faced with the challenges the holidays can bring.

The gift of admitting that sometimes you suck.

Last weekend I spend a glorious couple of days with a fellow coach who also happens to be one of my favorite people in the world.

We went to museums and galleries. She let me drag her to a book store and we bought shiny new journals. We went to some lovely restaurants and ate delicious food.

But most of the time we just talked.

About pretty much everything.

And something that really struck me was how different friendships are when you allow yourself to be open about the parts of your life where you feel like you suck!

I can remember many friendships that felt strained because I was always trying to impress the other person... because I believed I wasn't good enough to be their friend.

So many conversations where I was terrified of saying the wrong thing and would spend WAY too much time obsessing over things that I did say and how stupid I thought they were.

I was always terrified to share how I really felt about things, how I felt about myself, and what I struggled with because all of it was just proof that I was a mess.

A disaster.

Worthless.

Unloved.

It's hard to truly connect with people when you spend all your time hiding who you are (or think you are!) from them.

I remember realizing once that of COURSE people didn't love me... how could they?

They didn't even know me.

The gift we receive when we allow ourselves to be honest about where we feel like we suck, is freedom… and true connection with others.

Because as it turns out NO ONE resonates with perfection.

This weekend as I told my friend about the fears I have in my business, the insecurities about my body that still come up, the frustrations I have in my relationship with my husband...

all the things I would have hidden from people before because I was terrified that they meant I was failing at life.

I was reminded constantly of just how liberating it is to be able to say,

YES I AM HUMAN.

Yes, I have fears.

Yes, sometimes I struggle and I suck at things.

Yes, I screw up.

and...

it's actually ok.

Because these things are just experiences I'm working through. Phases of my growth. Shit that happens.

Despite all those things, and sometimes because of them, I am me, and I am worthy no matter what.

And so are you.

Jimmy Choo and my fat, flat, wide feet.

Today I have a story for you about designer shoes... and using experiences against ourselves.

I love shoes. Adore them. I see them as marvelous little works of art designed to adorn my feet. So you can imagine my excitement when I was about 23 and had an opportunity to try on (with the absolute intention of buying) a pair of Jimmy Choos.

And learned the terrible truth that I had very wide, flat feet.

Rude!

Instead of just recognizing that the template the designer used was a different type of foot to mine... I remember immediately going to the mental space of “SEE! I'm not thin enough. I'm not good enough to wear these shoes” which was my default judgment of myself at that stage.

But it was also ridiculous because

1- I was a size 2 and

2- being thin does not change the bone structure of my goddamn feet!

Never the less, because I already believed I wasn't good enough, I used the experience as evidence that I wasn’t one of THOSE women.

I didn't have dainty feet.

Which meant I wasn’t elegant.

And therefore not stylish enough and not worthy of wearing the beautiful and ridiculously impractical designer shoes my little magpie heart wanted.

It was devastating proof that I would never be good enough.

I bought into the message that only important and worthy people wore those kinds of shoes. And of course, that means that only the worthy have dainty feet.

Who decided that THIS was the measure of whether or not I was good enough?!?!

Me. That’s who.

Nowadays I recognize the power that a negative self-belief has, because it allows us to interpret literally ANY experience in a way that minimizes and belittles ourselves.

I laugh now but at the time it seemed so true! Because our brains are always seeking an explanation or to create a framework for the intangible.

The concept of “worthy” HAS no real benchmark so we make it up! The shoe example is an easy-to-spot bullshit version of it, but the way in which we do it can be super sneaky.

It might sound like

It’s my job to make sure my family are always happy.

Being productive makes me valuable to Society.

I have to be the one who does everything.

Or my personal favorite… no one will take you seriously if you’re fat.

But all of these stories are just that.

Stories.

Stories that we hear and take on board because our brains are desperately seeking some kind of manual for "How to be good enough and accepted".

It feels safe if there are rules to follow.

And because the rules aren't real... it makes them up.

We just forget that we don't have to follow those rules. We don't have to agree with them.

That a shoe is just a shoe.

Who am I waiting for permission from?!

I was thinking this morning about something a client said to me a while back, about how she felt like she was always waiting for permission.

I've been pondering that for a couple weeks now, while remembering feeling exactly the same way and just how lost and frustrated I felt because of it.

I used to have this belief that the only opportunities I would get in life would come from other people. I had no power of my own, other people had to give me what I wanted.

I just had to work hard and be patient and then I would eventually be seen and someone would say

"Oh hey! You deserve to get what you want... here you go. You're allowed to have it now."

As though someone else would be the one to give me the "Go Ahead!" to make my life what I wanted it to be.

And it seeped into so many aspects of my life, because not only did I wait for permission for opportunities, but I waited for the ok for almost everything that I wanted to be able to do for myself! From small things like how I choose to eat to big ones like what to do with my life!

I needed someone else to tell me it was ok and the right decision.

I realized with some horror in my last year of being employed, that at 36 I had only ever asked for a pay rise once in my life, when I was 17 and discovered that my colleague was making twice what I did. And I got yelled at (literally) for it and told I wasn’t worth it.

So I never asked again. I just waited for someone else to give me permission to make more money by offering it.

Early on in my marriage I used to find myself waiting for my husbands permission to decide how to spend my time, like he needed to tell me it was ok to do things that only I wanted to do. And even to do things without him.

Whenever I spent money on myself I always used to feel like I should have asked someone if it was ok first.

Like who the hell was I supposed to ask?!?! My mother?

And now I see this permission seeking behavior in so many of my clients.

When they ask

"Can I really schedule my day like that?"

"Is it really ok if I don't want to go on vacation with extended family?!"

"Can I truly just decide to change careers?!"

or my personal favorite...

"Are you seriously telling me I can just choose who I want to become?"

Yes my darlings, yes.

There is NO ONE you need permission from. There is NO ONE who is better qualified to decide your life than you. There is NO ONE who can tell you what is the right thing for you.

And if you believe that someone out there has the right to give you permission, you're either going to be waiting a long time OR you're going to find your decisions made for you by the beliefs and decisions of others.

The Supreme Court and the desire to control women.

I had planned to write a very different post today about avoiding difficult conversations with our loved ones.

But in the light of the decision made today by the United States Supreme Court, I want to share some thoughts. So strap in darlings, it is going to be a bit of a long one.

The first is that my commentary here is not about abortion. My stance on abortion itself is really not the point although if you do want to know, I personally would not be willing to terminate a pregnancy that was viable...

But I don't believe I get to make that decision for anyone other than myself. AND I have no thoughts on other people's morality one way or another.

I once worked for a not-for-profit that supported families of children with congenital heart defects and I've seen enough of both sides of the experience that I firmly believe you don't get to make that call unless it's your own pregnancy.

But I digress.

There are MANY reasons why this decision is problematic beyond just the abortion question. And the one that I keep coming back to is this.

THE OWNERSHIP & REGULATION OF THE BODY OF A HUMAN BEING BY SOMEONE ELSE IS FUCKING UNACCEPTABLE.

(Isn't that... checks notes... slavery?)

And as women, we have been dealing with this nonsense for THOUSANDS of years in many many forms.

But all of the forms have an underlying narrative in common.

Women cannot be trusted. They cannot be allowed self-governance. Women must be under control.

There is a reason why virginity was (and in many ways still is) prized in women but generally irrelevant in men.

A woman's body has to be regulated. Controlled. She can't just be out there doing what she wants and having sex without the control of a husband.

A woman's body has to be adapted. She can't just weigh what she wants or look however she wants. She must conform to what someone else decides is acceptable. And her natural state is NEVER acceptable.

A woman's body must be covered. Her clothing choices must be dictated according to the comfort and desirability of others.

Do you realize that it was only in 1972 that laws were passed meaning a woman could no longer be REQUIRED to wear a dress at school or at work? It was once basically a declaration that you were a slut to be seen out on the street without your gloves on.

Visible skin on your hands is how the devil gets in apparently.

Women's access to money (and therefore independence) must be restricted.

Before people stopped being complete idiots, a woman's possessions (from her home right down to her clothes) were owned by her father and then her husband. Legally she had nothing that belonged to her.

And on that note, up till a few decades ago, a woman couldn't get custody of her own children if she was estranged from her husband. At one point beating your wife was legal (as long as you used a thin stick) and it was possible to have a woman committed to an asylum with no formal assessment.

A woman couldn't even get her own bank account until 1960. To put that into perspective, my grandmother couldn't get an account until after my mother was born.

It's still within average living memory.

And I'm not going to even get into the historical restriction of what women were and weren't allowed to do in terms of employment that literally prevented them from finding themselves in anything resembling the opportunity to have access to decision-making capabilities. There LITERALLY was something called a marriage bar which prevented married women from being allowed to have jobs.

That piece of nonsense was only officially removed in the early 1970's.

And what I'm also got going to do is get into the many many ways that having control over when and if she has children DRASTICALLY impacts a woman's career choices, financial reality, and mental/physical health... because that would be an even longer email and you all have google.

But the point of my exasperated ranting is this.

Every single action that is taken with the intention of dictating what a woman is or isn't allowed to do with her own life is a step BACKWARDS.

A step toward dis-empowerment and control.

And I KNOW that today's decision is about control because we have decades of evidence of how to actually effectively lower abortion rates... but none of those genuinely applicable options are on the table because they all provide us with even greater freedom!

In so much of the coaching I do with women, we bump up against deeply ingrained beliefs about what we aren't allowed to do. What being a "good" woman looks like. What the right way to be a woman is. We keep ourselves small and limit what we are capable of because we have been conditioned over thousands of years to believe that...

No. You don't get to control your own life.

You aren't capable of making choices.

You cant be trusted.

THIS is why I do what I do.

The self-empowerment of women is my ultimate goal because I 100% believe that our world needs more women's voices in the big conversations. Women need greater financial independence, and the economic power to make a difference in their communities.

Women need to have the confidence and the sheer determination to create access to decision-making seats.

Our most useful conversation isn't "how do we get access to abortions?" The conversation needs to be about

How we can empower more women to believe in themselves and actively take positions of power in our culture where they can change the narrative to...

"Women are capable of making their own decisions and have a right to ownership of their lives."

PS. If this resonates with you, do yourself and the world a favor. Figure out all the ways in which you’re holding yourself back. All the ways you silence or lower your voice. All the ways you believe you aren’t powerful and MOVE THROUGH THAT NONSENSE. The world needs you and your unique powerful leadership.

Why I stopped waiting for apologies

The other day I was thinking about how obsessively I used to think about an ex-boyfriend.

I didn't miss him or wish that we'd stayed together (most DEFINITELY NOT!)

But I found myself regularly wondering if he thought about me.

About how much he hurt me.

And waiting for him to realize it and apologize.

I was waiting for closure.

Waiting for HIM to take that step towards somehow fixing it so that I could let it go and move on.

And surprise surprise, it never happened.

I found myself thinking one day about how I would feel if he, or anyone else that I felt owed me an apology, actually apologized.

And I discovered that I felt I was owed a LOT of apologies.

My Ex who broke my heart

A school friend for being a bully

A former colleague for making me feel uncomfortable

A teacher for not being supportive

My mother for having high expectations

My father for not having high enough expectations

My husband for putting an empty milk carton on top of the trash....

I was waiting for a lot of people to say "I'm sorry"

And I suddenly realized that it actually didn't matter.

Even if everyone apologized for everything I feel like they did wrong, it still wouldn't change anything because the problem wasn't them, it was me.

I was believing that their actions meant something about me as a person.

That I wasn't worthy of love. That I wasn't cared about. That I wasn't good enough. That everyone was always out to hurt me.

I was waiting for an apology because then I would allow myself to believe that THEY realized they were wrong. THEY had made a mistake and that I was actually worthy.

I was waiting for permission to believe that I was worthy.

That was the day that I decided that "closure" is not a conversation.

Closure was me deciding to close a chapter of my life and not open it again.

Closure was ME deciding that I did not have to wait for anyone else to say or do anything for me to believe that I am worthwhile.

That was also the day I gave myself closure. I quietly unfriended my ex, and never looked back again.

Drama on flight 193

Human brains love to cause drama.

Yesterday while waiting to board my flight, I needed to pee (and I despise airplane bathrooms!) So I scuttled off, and by the time I came back about half the passengers had boarded (small plane) 

I had missed the priority boarding window. 

So by the time I got to my seat, there was no more space to put my bags and I had to go all the way to the back of the plane to stash my carry on and then basically play people Tetris in the aisle to get all the way back to the front of the plane.

Not a huge deal. Took maybe 5 min and everyone was very nice about it.

Except my brain.

It spent the first 30 mon of the flight saying things like:

“Well you just wasted all that money on paying for priority”

“How could you be so dumb as to leave before boarding” 

“Everyone on the flight probably thinks you were late”

“Omg you're THAT person 🙄”

“Also, now you're probably sweaty from hauling your bag around”

“Why didn't you just check the bag?”

“People think you're stupid!”

Listen. My brains a bit of a bitch.

And a few years ago I would have spent the rest of the flight sinking into a puddle of my own self loathing over it. 

I would have been so embarrassed that I probably would have spent the whole flight explaining what happened to everyone within 15 feet of me.

Hell! I probably would have announced it over the PA system if they would let me. 

My brain would have created a WHOLE BUNCH more drama if I had listened to it and jumped on board with what it was saying.

But here what I did do.

I heard my brain.

And I recognized that I dont have to agree with it.

It's literally just my brain offering observations. And judgements.

I decided that what it was saying actually didn't matter... And to just ignore it. 

Because the whole incident doesn't actually change ANYTHING about me or my life. 

It literally doesn't mean anything more than... I had to put my bag somewhere else. 

That's it.

But our brains love to make things than happen mean something more. Usually something negative about us. 

That little inner critic THRIVES on finding things to tell us we did wrong.

AND you don't have to listen to it.

You don't owe anyone an explanation.

I have a real love-hate relationship with Facebook, but it's been a valuable tool for me. It's taught me the skill of walking away from conversations without explanation.

As women, we tend to over-explain ourselves constantly. We're socialized to justify our thoughts and decisions in so many ways, whether it's with big things like why we want or don't want children, or something as small as why we don't feel like smiling at strangers.

We're told it's not enough to just want or do something, we need to justify it. And we often work so hard at trying to explain ourselves to someone else's satisfaction that's its exhausting.

And I've decided that it's nonsense.

Just yesterday an acquaintance commented on something I posted with a complete assumption that was 100% wrong and not really related to what I has posted. And told me "Well you need to clarify that in your presentation of it."  

It was interesting to watch my brain flare up with an immediate desire to over explain and justify why I had said things the way I had.

But then I went into my "Actually, No." energy, hid the comment and just walked away.

My brain likes to offer complex excuses when I feel like people are criticizing me, or when I don't want to do something which will mean letting people down. It wants to explain things several times in different ways to make absolutely sure that I'm 100% understood and there's no room for misunderstanding.  It wants to justify everything in a way that makes me feel safe and not upset or offend anyone.

But the truth is that no matter what I do, most of that is out of my hands.

What people choose to think about me, is not under my control and its none of my business.

No matter how much I explain or justify something... they might STILL think exactly what they choose to think.

And I'd only be doing it to try manipulate what they think of me.

Over explaining and justifying is people pleasing.  It's graspy, desperate and dishonest.
And I'm not here for that anymore.

One of the greatest things you can do for your peace of mind is just let a conversation be.
 

I like to remind myself that the only person who has to be ok with what I do and why, is me.

I get to decide what happens in my life and why.
I get to chose to say no, or leave a job, or not attend a party.

Or not respond to someones comment.

Or not be connected with people that I don't want to be connected to.

And so do you.
You get to just decide. "This is my decision and I'm happy with it."
And you don't owe anyone an explanation.

Why believing everything your brain says is a bad idea!

A couple weeks ago while on a Zoom call I had this very LOUD thought pop into my head.

It said, "Have you noticed that the arch of one of your eyebrows is more rounded than the other one?"

And then proceeded to spend the rest of the day telling me why this was such a problem.

It told me that without symmetry in my eyebrows I would look strange. That people wouldn't take me seriously. That I immediately needed to invest in microblading or something because this was now

EVIDENCE THAT SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG.

I offer you this story as evidence only that human brains come up with some crazy shit.

One of the biggest struggles is that we take our thoughts so seriously. Because they are OUR thoughts. We seem to think that whatever our brain offers us is true and that we are required to believe it.

Thoughts are just sentences in our brains. They literally mean nothing... until we make them mean something.

Just like I can hear my brain yap on about the arch of my eyebrow and know that its actual nonsense, I know that when my brain tells me things like:

"You don't know what you're doing"

"No ones going to like this"

"Who do you think you are anyway"

I literally don't have to believe it.

Even though it FEELS so true!

This is the same brain that freaks out about eyebrows and tells me that it's convinced that I will die if I say no to pasta and ice cream. The same brain that once believed that if I just believed it hard enough that fairies would sneak into my house at night and clean my room.

True story. I was 100% in belief about that. Because I believed the thought my brain had about it being possible.

The human brain has a worse success rate than your average weather reporter during Spring.

It has no idea what's true... it's just making some shit up on the spot.

So my darlings, don't take your thoughts so seriously. Your brain doesn't deal in truth, only in suggestion.

And you are under no obligation to believe it!

Unconditional love doesnt mean unconditional access

Last week a client going through the process of divorce asked me “How is it possible that I can love my husband, but not want to be with him?”

And I’ve been thinking about that all week because it’s a thought I remember having about an ex boyfriend many years ago. 

I loved and still care deeply about him, but I frankly don't ever actually want to see, let alone be in a relationship with him. 

Seems strange right…

After all, doesn’t love conquer all? 

I think this idea of love without actual connection is easier understood in relationships like with parents. We can love someone wholeheartedly AND still not want them in our lives. 

I call it the “love you but don't like you” issue.

Our culture has taught us that to love someone means we have to BE with them. We have confused unconditional love with unconditional access. 

We’ve been led to believe that if we love someone then we HAVE to have them in our lives. And if we don't want them or their behavior in our lives… then we can't possibly really love them.

Which is complete and utter nonsense, because it creates rampant confusion and guilt when you don't want someone or their influence in your life… even though you care about them. 

I remember years ago realizing that it was possible to love and completely accept my father for exactly the way he is… and still not have him play any significant role in my life. 

I experienced so much guilt around the idea that I somehow owed him access to me. Like just because he was my dad I should just put up with his influence in my life or it would prove I didn't love him and that would make me a bad person. 

But resolving that guilt and shame actually gave me the space to just not be connected with him for some years and eventually change my relationship with him drastically.

It's tricky in romantic relationships because everything about how we view love culturally is about the being together aspect.  And I truly believe that its partially to blame for the difficulty people experience in leaving abusive relationships. 

Because if we REALLY love someone then we’ll stay and just figure it out.  

I was talking to my husband recently about how women in my generation and before have been raised on this idea that if you just love someone enough, everything will turn out perfectly. (Thanks Disney) 

and he was stunned. Because he wasn't socialized that way, the idea of sticking it out in a relationship that isn't working for you with the idea that you just need to love them harder, is as bizarre to him as me suggesting he paint his car with pink glitter.

So what if you don't want to figure it out? 

What if there IS no figuring it out?  (because of course you can only figure out YOUR part in the relationship)

What if it's OK to love someone… AND recognize that being in a relationship with them isn't what you want. 

What if you just get to choose who does and doesn't get to be in your life, regardless of whether or not you care about them… and that doesn't mean that you're bad or a failure somehow. 

Coaching, crying and truth.

Almost every day, I make someone cry. 

There’s this amazing moment during a coaching session when we hit on just the right thought or the right question and suddenly my client (or me when I’m being coached!) lets go of all the tension they’re holding, then the tears start. 

And the first thing that everyone does is apologize and then ask if they are the only person that cries during coaching. 

And I can always tell them honestly… you’re not even the first one today!

I don’t set out to make people cry.

But what happens so often when people first start to work with me is that they think that they are supposed to somehow “fix” themselves or their lives, and that it's such a painful experience that they hold onto this fake “totally in control of myself” version of them with a death grip.  

Which in itself is so poisonous because you're basically telling yourself that you're not good enough and are broken in some way but trying to pretend that you don't feel that!

Like “no no, everything’s fine. If I just hold it together everything will be fine and no one will notice as I bury myself under layers and layers of avoiding myself…”

Like if they let themselves be real about how they feel for just a second, then their entire life will collapse into a heap and they will never recover. 

And I know that feeling well. 

I have been there many times. 

To this day I still dislike being coached because every single week I have to overcome my own drama about needing help and support

Because I spent so many years telling myself that I had to do everything without help in case people realized that I was less than perfect, if I admitted I had flaws… then they would know the awful truth. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't worthy. 

Even saying that out loud seems ridiculous now!

But still , every week I have to remind my brain that I don’t always have the answers, and that I also need someone to help me figure myself out. 

Like so many of my own clients, I have to consciously confront that part of me that wants to pretend I’ve got it all together. 

I have to be honest and tell myself the truth of where I need support. 

Where I’m hiding things from myself.

Where I’m telling myself stories and creating internal drama.

Where I’m pretending something is ok when it's really not.

Where I’m telling myself that everything in my life is evidence that I’m not good enough. 

I have to loosen the death grip I have on my own bullshit.

That moment where you drop the pretense and tell yourself or someone else the truth is 

MAGIC

Because it's in those moments that we crack open the walls we build up in our minds and hearts that keep us from becoming who we are truly meant to be. 

It's those moments where we really FEEL our fears and can't pretend anymore, that we start to really find ourselves and discover what our lives could become.