I wasnt part of the problem, I was the whole problem.

This girl wasn’t part of the problem. She was the WHOLE ASS problem.

For no reason whatsoever I couldn’t sleep last night. So I spent some time on Facebook, as one does, and found myself reminiscing about old jobs, friendships and relationships I’ve not thought about in years.

A quick trip into my old messages reminded me of why.

It was an absolute drama filled mess.

Seriously though, I don’t know how anyone put up with me in my 20’s. (Thank you to those that did and have still stuck around )

The more I read through decades dead conversations and thought about so many difficult interactions, a common thread began to emerge.

I was always the victim in every experience.

I was always at odds and always misunderstood. I can see so clearly now how I was always looking for someone to acknowledge me.

The more I read and the more I played those memories in my mind, turning each one over looking for clues I realized the common denominator in all of them.

I was a liar.

The root cause of every single issue had been me not being honest.

I had people pleased, I pretended to be who I thought people wanted me to be. Did what was “expected” to be accepted or loved. Not honest about what I wanted. Dismissing what was important to me. Never saying no.

Never taking responsibility for my part in any mess.

And lying to myself.

Telling myself that things were out of my control and that I was helpless in my circumstances.

Always waiting for someone else to fix all the problems for me.

The problems I was actually causing.

Ironic isn’t it. And all the ingredients for a miserable experience.

I know I’m a VERY different person to that frightened, frustrated young woman I was…

but I also know that patterns repeat if we don’t actively change them.

So I started thinking about where it shows up now.

When I want to blame the economy, the social media algorithm, the alignment of the planets or anything else that I tell myself has more control over my life than I do.

The more I looked for it, the more I saw very clearly that there is only one real obstacle that I have to deal with on a daily basis.

Me.

When I lie to myself and tell myself that I don’t know how. Or that I can’t figure it out. Or that it’s too hard. Or I’m not good enough. Or that people will judge me and that matters. Or that it’s not fair.

It always comes back to me.

In the end, we will be either our biggest obstacle or our greatest advocate.

It depends on whether or not we are willing to do the work of facing ourselves.